Well, here we are again, with just about a month until Hitler’s birthday, and as usual, most of us probably seem to be running into a lot of conversations like this:
You: My, but the weather is simply delightful out today.
Joachim von Ribbentrop: Hitler r0XX0rs!
You: Mr. Phoenix, I beg to differ; if ever someone was so very wack as to deserve a wiggedy, ‘twas Hitler.
Joachim von Ribbentrop: Nuh Uh!
You: Uh Huh!
Joachim von Ribbentrop: What about Volkswagens then? Hitler made them and they rule!
You: Damn.
Yes, many of us, upon getting into arguments about Hitler find ourselves defeated by the invocation of the mighty VW. Sure, you know in your heart that all the genocide and nancing about was evil, but you just can’t marshal your rhetorical facts in the face of the Volkswagen argument. Well fear not, because today I mean to arm you with the forensical arsenal necessary to lay a mighty smack down upon even the most stalwart Hitler groupies. How, you may ask, shall I do such a thing? The answer is simple, by giving you an exhaustive list of stuff that Hitler invented that is sooo totally lame as to more than cancel out the awesomeness of the VW. So grab yourself some sauerkraut and a panzer and get prepare to be imbued with some Grade A badassitude.
First, let’s start with the big one, Fanta. Yeah, you remember those commercials a couple of years back with all those horribly skanky Austin Powers ripoff hos trying to peddle that loathsome beverage of ill repute? You can thank Hitler for that. You see, after the war started, Coca Cola decided to only sell beverages to countries that weren’t fascist and Hitler suddenly found himself with an army of stormtroopers going through severe caffeine withdrawal. So, he took the manufacturing infrastructure left by Coke and using a mixture of apple cores, Sweet ‘n Low, and distilled human suffering, soon began producing the beverage that helped the Nazis lose World War II.
The internet, of course, was developed by the Allies after Al Gore traveled back in time from the year 2015 to help them win the war, which of course took Hitler totally by surprise. In retaliation, Nazi scientists worked feverishly to develop a weapon which would allow them to neutralize this new weapon. And so, by early 1943, they had invented the first popup ad. One can only imagine the horror of
And you know dryer lint right? I bet you thought that stuff had been around forever, right? Well guess what, dryers were in fact 100% lint free until a secret Nazi program to summon demons from another dimension went horribly awry and forever changed the laws of laundry physics in our universe. Happily, the only demon that they successfully summoned was named Zornoroth the Soul-Render, or as he came to be known after he escaped from his evil Nazi masters, Alf.
And who can ever forget green ketchup? Yes, as the war wore on, Hitler began to suspect that the staying power of the Americans was in no small part to their prodigious consumption of ketchup, which he believed to be a nasty Jew condiment unworthy of the master race. In an effort to create a Nazi substitute, Hitler experimented with many strange alchemical decoctions, one of which is known now as green ketchup, the most vile substance ever to disgrace hamburgers.
While most people are familiar with the various and sundry conspiracy theories about genetically engineered Nazi super agents being cryogenically frozen and then thawed out decades later to lay waste to the world, even the most credulous among them would scarcely dare to believe the horrible reality which I am about to reveal to you in two terrible words. Aston Kutcher.
And finally, no matter how great the Volkswagen is, to focus solely upon it as the paragon of Nazi automotive technology would be a grave error, for to do so would be to overlook the disastrous fruits of Hitler’s other secret program, the Deutschland Automotive Engineering Weapons Order of Oogdar, or as it is known nowadays, Daewoo. Yes, this wicked scheme to create a car so sucky that it could, by itself, make Americans hate and distrust cars altogether was one of Hitler’s most fiendish ideas. Fortunately, most Americans are smart enough to instinctively recognize a Nazi plot when they see one, and Daewoo’s sales remain encouragingly low.
So, now that you know the truth, fear not to engage any and all Nazis you should happen to meet in a battle of rhetorical wits, safe in the knowledge that you shall crush them as a school bus crushes a pudding cup into the asphalt of historical smackitude.
