Everyone always goes on about how tough Davy Crockett was because he killed him a bear when he was only three. Forget that, that kid in Maymont got two bears killed when he was only four; he’s my new bear-slaughtering hero. Also, though I really suck at math, if the whole formula established by Davy Crockett and Maymont boy holds true for other ages, then I ought to be able to kill 28 bears, while my grandmother should be capable of slaying up to 95 of them, which wouldn’t surprise me, knowing as I do her amazing badassitude.
Narnia is the best place ever, because if you’re a kid there, Santa gives you weapons for Christmas.
Remember back when they first invented Cool Ranch Doritos? Yeah, those were a major breakthrough in Dorito technology back in the day. And then later on later ranch imbuing epiphanies resulted in the development of Cooler Ranch Doritos, which surpassed all others in their unparalleled coolness. Alas, I bought some Doritos the other day, and now they’re just back to being Cool Ranch, the er is gone. You know how they say that
I bet that when Satan plays Diablo, he just runs his little wizard or paladin or whatnot into the first demon he finds and then giggles like a Japanese schoolgirl at an Otacon full of Pikachus. Which is why he never makes it past level 1 and is always in such a saucy mood.
I heard the other day about how some guy took his whole family out into the ocean in a three-masted schooner and their ship was sunk by a herd of killer whales. I don’t came how cute or delicious they are, its high time we realized that, the temporal shenanigans of William Shatner aside, whales are a total menace and we need to kill them all now. Like killer whales, for example, their very name bespeaks their murderous nature, yet we suffer them to live among us. I’m just glad they all foolishly evolved away their legs millennia ago, otherwise we’d be seeing even more whale maulings then we already are.
If you had an owl that was possessed by demons, you’d never know it, because their heads are supposed to turn around like that.
I want to buy a tanker truck, and put a bunch of radiation warnings on the side of it, and then fill it up with glow stick juice and crash it into a mall. This will be the inaugural scheme of my brilliant plan to take over the world. Mwahahahaha.
I’ll bet that in heaven, everyone has better adventure stories to tell, because you never know which one is going to be the one they die in.
There are so many coffee places that claim to have the best coffee in the world that nobody believes any of them anymore. That’s why I’m going to open a diner and advertise the 2nd best coffee in the world, because no one else ever makes such a claim and everyone will flock to my establishment, drawn by the prospect of penultimate coffee and flagrant modesty (Penultimate Coffee and Flagrant Modesty both making excellent band names, of course).
I can never be in a movie, because I’d like, ask some girl for her number, and because it was a movie, she’d give me one that started in 555- and then I’d be all outraged that she was trying to fake me out and they’d have to get someone else to play the part of Mr. T’s little brother in A Team, The Motion Picture.
