It is a generally accepted fact that as role models go, Barbie leaves a lot to be desired, insofar as presenting girls with positive and empowering notions of what women are capable of in this world.  It is similarly acknowledged by all the cool kids of the sociology scene that He-Man, as a general rule, is not a cartoon particularly noted for instilling in its viewers the qualities which make one a well-rounded and badass global citizen.  But, how often does anyone ever take the time to compare the two, each on its own terms, in the view of determining which is in fact doing a better of job raising our children whilst we’re all off playing quoits and drinking absinthe?  Fear not, ye funky readers, for today, I shall do just that, the better that a few loathesome and wlatsome myths may be laid to rest like Zombie Chester A. Arthur.

            First, let’s take a look at their respective family situations.  Barbie has no parents, has been dating Ken (who, it just so happens, is a eunuch) for approximately a brazillion years, and other than occasionally taking the time to be a sterling example of sluttiness for Skipper, is the very epitome of everything that most parents (except for Scientologists, of course) want their little girl to be.  He-Man, on the other hand, is constantly looking out for his parents, King Randor and Queen Whatshername.  He’s put of college and further career plans just so that he can stay home and look after the family business (in this case, fighting Skeletor and growing soybeans).  And how many brothers would drop everything and travel to a completely different and unicorn-infested dimension just to help your sister fight a pig man?  He-Man would (and, as my sister would surely tell you, so would I).

            Now onto the matter of accepting those who are different from yourself.  Barbie has like, a hundred and fifty friends, all of whom look exactly like her.  Barbie doesn’t make friends with fat chicks, or people with less than ideal complexions, nor with anybody whose feet are anatomically constructed for anything other than high heels, nor black people.  And of course, the doors in the Barbie dream house are all too narrow for Barbie’s one handicapped pity friend to fit her wheelchair through (which also explains why we’re all still waiting for that Barbie/Professor X crossover).  He-Man on the other hand, hangs out with nobody except for freaks.  Just about everybody in his posse save for his immediate family and girlfriend has something blatantly non-standard about their physiognomy.  In fact, it can be pretty much completely assumed that if you’re one of He-Man’s homies, then you’ve got like, a giant battle hand that makes you fall over, or maybe you have a mechanical neck that lets you, you know, look over stuff, or maybe you’re just a giant bee.  Whatever the case, He-Man loves you anyway, and not even in that condescendingly patronizing affirmative action way that so many superheroes do.  None of this, “Let’s all listen to the unique cultural insights of Man-E-Faces concerning the phenomenon of lookism in our society before I punch this robot in the face” nonsense.  Nope, aside from valuing the talents of all his compatriots, He-Man never goes and makes them feel all different and freaky, despite their flaming level of freakitude.

            And how about economics?  Barbie seems to never have a steady job, despite having tried her hand at everything from being an astronaut to a 15^th century tavern wench to Nelson Mandela.  Yet she lives a lavish lifestyle in a giant pink house with three walls, drives numerous sports cars, and dines exclusively on endangered species and 3^rd world orphans.  He-Man on the other hand is still living at home to help save up more money for graphic design grad school.  Not only that, but home is Castle Greyskull, which, though no doubt the absolute favorite spot with all his dawgs, is not exactly the kind of romantical bungalow that he needs to win Teela over.  Even so, it’s paid for, and He-Man is a fellow who lives within his means.  Unlike Barbie, he works two jobs, one as the Prince of Eternia, and one as a beefy guy with a tan who likes to punch things.  Also, he occasionally moonlights at Heavenly Ham during the Christmas season.  And he’s a devout Methodist.

            So the choice, she’s a’clear, if you let your kids play with Barbie they’ll soon end up as racist, elitist, unemployed, skankaholic, exhibitionists, while if you introduce them to the wonderful and diverse world of He-Man, they’ll soon learnt he value of getting along with those different than themselves, living on a budget, wearing furry briefs, saving the world, and filial piety.  I rest my case.