So, Earth Day is here once again, and with it the passel of hideous lies which flock about it as flying monkeys flock about a little old lady on a park bench with a sack full of flying monkey feed and cheap beer. Why, you may ask, do I loathe Earth Day so very much? It is quite simply because it is in fact not the innocent eco-festival that we are given to believe but rather the occasion of untold of evils. To understand where I’m coming from on this, let me start out by asking you this: who, among all the creatures of this world, loves earth more than anything else? The answer of course is: Mole People. Still not sure where this is going? Well, what if I were to tell you that in the year 687 BC Chinese astronomers recorded a great and awesome meteor shower. Only, it wasn’t just a meteor shower, but rather the arrival of the first Mole People on Earth, refugees who were hurled here in a few small escape pods along with some of the remnants of their planet, which was destroyed after too many rainforests (long left unchecked by clear cutting) reached their roots down into the core of their world and made the core go all wiggedy.
Yet, led by their first great patriarch and funkmaster shizzle mah, Alfalfa, Comptroller and Poobah of the Mole People, they soon learned that they had chosen poorly in their choice of a planet to inhabit, for our yellow sun totally pulled a reverse Superman on them and burned their vestigial cave fish eyes with its wholesome grooviness. Long they toiled beneath the surface of the Earth, building cities, eating the occasional Eloi, and composing techno raps made entirely from Captain Picard quotes. But over the centuries, the surface dwellers increased in wisdom and power, so that by the mid 20th century, the dwellings of the Mole People were constantly being disturbed by oil drilling and strip mining, forcing them to constantly relocate, lest they be discovered and smote by mankind, for they were and are a loathly people. Also, they feared that increased industrialization would bring yet more competition with the human race for all the riches beneath the earth, which the Mole People guarded jealously.
As such, in the mid 60s, Buckwheat, Sire of Spanky, then Lord of the Mole People, decided that it would be in the best interest of his people to bend the newest force for evil upon the Earth, hippies, to unwittingly serve the nefarious aims of the Mole People. So Moleman agents infiltrated all sorts of hippie organizations to get Earth Day started, with the goal in mind that if the hippies could help to slow the industrial progress of man, thus allowing the Mole People an opportunity to regroup and overwhelm us. Fortunately, their plan met with mixed results at best, as the environmental reforms Buckwheat sought failed to accomplish his goals. PETA has largely failed to curtail the use of meat and fur amongst the human race, thereby ruining Spanky’s plan to have us all get eaten by the millions of chinchillae which would roam the very streets were it not for the fact that rich ladies kill and wear them on a regular basis. Babe the pig’s long-sought deplorable pork rebellion has long foundered as we continue to convert his evil minions into bacon (though the Deplorable Pork Rebellion would make an excellent name for a band). Their plans to get the human race to abandon the use of fossil fuels in exchange for impossible fictions such as solar powered cars, soybeans, and power plants that burned ground up unicorns were mostly in vain, and so, more than 35 years later, the Mole People continue to try and stymie the progress of our people.
Still not convinced? Okay, then if Earth Day isn’t a diabolical plot by Mole People, why don’t we have days for other planets? I mean, hippies love diversity and focusing on things that have no possible use to them, so why isn’t there a Mars Day or a Pluto Day? And what about poor HD 188753, the charmingly-named gas giant which orbits a distant trinary star system? Or Mu Arae Prime, where the xylocephalous Gnopthraks scurry about the paisley-litten landscape collecting Pokemon cards? Real hippies would care at least as much about them as they did about Earth. Mole People, on the other hand, know nothing of these worlds, for the sight of the heavens in an abomination unto them.
And what about that caribou farm up in
And don’t even get me started on the fact that Earth Day is but two days after Hitler’s birthday (about which I shall write more in the coming week).
So my friends, heed not the lies of the sub terrene menace, but rather defy them by buying a huge car, strip mining your back yard, and punching lots of squirrels. Remember, only you can save the planet!
