So, as all of you already undoubtedly know, the Spanish government has decided to grant human rights and citizenship to apes, based on the fact that they share a great deal of DNA with us, they’re cuter than most of us, their poop-throwing skillz are vastly superior to those of most Spaniards nowadays, and of course the fact that once they count as citizens, the Spanish government will be able to take up to 70% of their bananas and tire swings in annual taxes.  Some may say that this is a bad idea because apes aren’t really intelligent (though if intelligence became a requirement for citizenship, we would probably see our list of registered voters drastically shortened, to say nothing of pretty much cleaning out congress), other say that if we allow apes citizenship, then it will be merely a matter of time before the Spanish government starts granting human rights to other lower life forms, such as turnips, stoats, and boy bands.  And some just think the whole thing is retarded.  The truth, however, is that far beyond merely being an exercise in doofusulosity, this could be the beginning of the end for humanity. 

            For you see, the three sorts of apes the Spanish plan of granting full equality are chimps, gorillas, and orangutans, the very same three species that took over the world in Planet of the Apes, (The good one, not the new one with Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch).  Indeed, no sooner shall the Spanish have ratified this new law, than apes from all over the world shall leave their homelands and immigrate to Spain, where they will quickly form a large and fanatical voting bloc, quickly overwhelming the native population and establish a new ape government.

            But it won’t stop there, because as we all know, apes, like Osama bin Laden and the Olsen twins are not merely content to rule over their separate empires of eternal darkness, performing catchy musicals and kicking babies, but inevitably turn their boundless ire to the one object in the universe which they hate above all others: The Statue of Liberty.  Yes, the first thing that the apes may be relied upon to do as soon as they take control of the EU will be to attack America, land of freedom that it is.

            Perhaps you doubt that apes hate us that much.  Remember how at the end of Planet of the Apes Charleston Heston was all walking along the beach and found that it was Earth all along?  He thought it was at least like, a thousand years in the future, but alas, all that had transpired had really taken like, two weeks.  The ape rebellion has begun, and if we hope to preserve the Statue of Liberty for future generations of Americans, that they too may be protected by it from the vile machinations of Vigo the Carpathian, we must act without delay.

            My plan, audacious though it may sound, is, I believe, the best chance we have to stop this madness with a relatively modest, yet totally awesome, amount of gratuitous violence.  I propose that we hire the two greatest ape fighters that America has to offer, Charleton Heston himself, veteran bane of the apes that he is, and Dick Cheney, whose army of robo-baboons and unparalleled shooting people in the face abilities make him nigh unstoppable as well.  These two must immediately disguise themselves as 19^th century opera divas and work their way to Spain on a tramp steamer.  Once there, they’ll lure all the apes out of hiding and into the open by building a humorously large fiberglass banana and hanging it from a helicopter, which they will then fly out over the Strait of Gibraltar, which Charleton Heston will have caused to turn into dry land, thanks to his divine mastery over the elements.  Once the army of apes runs out after the aforementioned banana, Charleton Heston need merely withdraw his providential hand, at which point the ape army shall be drowned and, just for good measure, shot in the face by Dick Cheney, who has at last mastered the art of the Hadoken.  After this, universal peace and harmony will soon follow, as the stars of the heavens come into perfect alignment and all the nations of the world at last agree that football is actually that sort where you where a helmet and score touchdowns, while the one with a black and white ball and really low scoring shall hereafter be known as “curling”.  Gummi bears shall rain from the sky and everyone who won an Oscar this part year will be eaten by trolls.