.The other day I saw a car in
I want to start a band, and call it The Beef. That way, whenever we’re late for a gig, the crowd will start getting all restless and wrathful and the cry will go up from among them, “Where’s The Beef?” And I shall chortle inwardly with fiendish glee to hear it.
Okay, after relating the other week about how, relative to my job, Pride and Prejudice is science fiction, my copy seems to have altogether disappeared from the face of the Earth. My guess is that it’s like that episode of Star Trek where some Federation scientists left a book on gangsters on some planet and the people there based their entire civilization on gangsterology. So like, people from the future found my blog in some ancient database and traveled back in time to make sure that the space-time continuum was not needlessly polluted by such things. Alas then, that I now cannot put into place my plan to remake all society in the image of a Jane Austen novel. And I was so looking forward to seeing the periwig make a comeback this year.
Any sandwich is a submarine sandwich, as long as you’re under water when you eat it.
I don’t see why the universal sign for handicappedness has to be a wheelchair, because that’s like, reducing handicapped people to being defined by their disability, which, as our modern sensitive age has taught us, is something only retards do. Why not then, make the universal handicapped symbol a pirate, because even if they’ve got a peg leg, a hook hand, an eye patch, and severely questionable fashion taste, pirates are always cool. I mean, with a wheelchair, I bet a lot of handicapped people think, “aw dang, all I get is a special parking space and a big ol’ helping of angst,” but with a pirate I bet more people would be like, “Oh well, despite my infirmities, I believe I shall go and pillage something.”
I was enjoying a delicious and refreshing Coca Cola product today, and on the can it said, “Visit Paramount’s King’s Dominion!” and I immediately thought to myself, “Sweet, I will! But how on Earth will I get there?” Happily, by confusion lasted only a fraction of a second as they helpfully included a little picture of a Mini, which is nice and all, but I would think that they’d welcome all visitors, regardless of their choice of automobile. Unless, y’know, they were going to drive there in something really bad, like Hitler’s car, or the Technodrome, which should likely take up the greater part of Scooby Lot were you to drive it there anyway. Though with gas prices being what they are these days, I wonder that anyone can afford to drive a Technodrome around anymore.
I was so very fortunate, the other day, as to receive a box of raisins. More thoroughly psyched was I yet, when I beheld that the box made by the Giant Raisin Company. Indeed, I was most earnestly looking forward to eating some giant raisins, and figured that there would be maybe like, two or three of them in the box at most. Alas, however, I was soon proved a victim of false advertising at its worst, as the raisins contained therein proved to be of only normal gigantitude.
Has anyone else ever noticed how much Peewee Herman looks like Data, of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame? I suspect that Mr. Herman is in fact an ancestor of the great cyerneticist Dr.. Noonian Soong, who shall, in the 24th century, invent Data. The sad thing is, of course, that as weird as that sounds, someone out there has probably already written a fanfic about it.
I less than three those new Quaker Oatmeal Squares, mostly because they look just like lembas bread. Now, I can eat a power breakfast on the go, and also pretend that I’m not just driving to work, but I’m off to save Middle Earth. All I need now is a vast army of orcs to run over somewhere along Interstate 95. Unfortunately, ever since they finished 288 last year, most of the vast orc armies have just been taking the beltway to avoid the morning rush.
If you were looking for a good insult for someone which also happened to be the scientific name for a deciduous North American hardwood, you probably could not do better than Fagus Grandifolia.
