Kenya, has often (okay, just this once) been called “The North Carolina of Africa.”  A land veritably teeming with mystery, fraught with adventure, wonder, and man-eating hippos, Kenya is where all the cool kids want to be, (assuming that the cool kids these days are even smart enough to know where Africa is in the first place) and indeed, I’m sure that all of you out there have just been pining away asking yourselves, “Gee whilikers, when is Ben going to write a helpful little article on Kenya?”  My friends, that day comes today.  Also, Amy happens to be over there right now, spending two weeks doing mission work, building stuff at an orphanage, and teaching all them loveable orphans the gentle art of kung fu monster truck intergalactic space monkey warfare.  And thus, in an effort to divert myself from sliding into an excessively angsty state (Washington) here’s everything you’ve been simply dying to know about Kenya.

            In Kenya, everybody farms coffee, yet drinks tea.  Likewise, everyone there hunts for lions, but eats only Steak-ums and manatees.

            Kenya is part of the British Commonwealth, along with Australia, Canada, Uganda, New Zealand, and Middle Earth.  Zimbabwe used to be in there too, but a couple of years back Kenya played this totally awesome practical joke on them involving filling Zimbabwe’s dorm room up with whipped cream and bacon bits, after which point Zimbabwe wussed out and transferred to the EU along with Vermont and the Lost Continent of Mu.

            There’s like, a million wildebeests there, which would normally be okay, except for the fact that due to a clerical error back in 1968, all of them are named Steve, which means if you call one of them, the other nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine all come too, which tends to leave one’s vestibule in a state of considerable disarray, unless of course one happens to have invested in wildebeest screens.

            When everyone in Europe was out colonizing Africa and junk, England was busy putting a totally bitchin’ sound system in the HMS Victory so that they’d be able to totally serve France at the next dance off.  But just to make sure they wouldn’t get left out of the whole colonialism thing, they sent someone down to Kenya to lick it and then stick a fork in it, just so that no one else in Europe would want any.

            Kenya is approximately twice the size of Nevada.  In your face, Nevada!

            The world’s largest viper (Norbert the Gaboon Viper) lives in Kekemega Forest with his mom and her boyfriend Chuck, where he spends his prank calling people in Nairobi with that old “I am the viper; I have come to vipe your vindows” gag, which still gets people all the time, in spite of a massive PSA campaign telling people not to fall for his serpentine shenanigans, as well as under no circumstances to admit that their refrigerator is running or that they keep Prince Albert in the can.

            Lake Magadi is one of the world’s largest sources of sodium carbonate.  And Cool Ranch Doritos.

            Once some guy made some movie about a couple of lions in Kenya who ate a bunch of people and stuff.  One of the lions eventually defeated his evil uncle and became king of the jungle again. The other, after much soul searching, discovered that in fact, courage is what puts the ape in apricot, and armed with this new outlook on life, went on to direct music videos in Zanzibar.

            Remember The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?  That started out in Kenya.

            Ditto for The Goonies, Soylent Green, and King Lear.

            Some say that the Garden of Eden is in Kenya, so if you’re over there and you find something that looks like it might be it, mark it down on your GPS and then go tell a teacher, Wonder Woman, or a lion.