I was hanging out at my sister’s place the other day, and she had a couple stacks of DVDs on the sofa, so I picked up what I thought was Bowling for Columbine and read the back.  It was really sounding like a kickass movie, until I looked at the front again and found out I’d accidentally picked up Batman instead.

            I’m beginning to suspect that the Bangles are in fact, not a reliable source of information regarding life in the real world because the other day I happened upon all the cops hanging out in the donut shop.  However, contrary to what I’d be told, in song no less, they failed to sing and dance or go “oh way oh” before walking like an Egyptian.  Oh the disappointment.

            Why is it that people can get away with wearing “Your problem is that you’re stupid” shirts in public without getting punched?  Is there some rule that if you put it in print on your torso, others are obliged to be less offended by your lame insults?  I mean, I’m as guilty as anyone here, since I frequently wear my “Anybody want a peanut?” shirt around with no actual intention of giving out peanuts, but still.

            I’d like to teach the world to bling.

            We keep a nightlight in our barthroom at home, not so much to fend of the troll that lives in the medicine cabinet (Bob Dole) but so that nobody gets lost on their way down the hall.  Last week though, the bulb burned out and all we had left were these red Christmas candle lights, which means that our bathroom now glows with this hellish red-litten aura of demonical doom.  Which is kind of cool, unless you’re given to having toilet demon-related nightmares already, because this doesn’t help at all.

            Also, that was supposed to be “bathroom” rather than “barthroom” up there.  Our house does in fact have a barthroom, devoted to Karl Barth and all his funky ghetto ninja dance moves and theological musings, but it is in fact lighted by a menorah made entirely out of plastic shot glasses and the Cobra Terrordrome, so adequate illumination is no problem.

            They’re making a new movie about Bob Dylan, guess what?  One of the people playing him is Cate Blanchett.  Which is totally awesome, because now I can finally get to see Bob Dylan give Frodo the Light of Eärendil, which has always kind of been a big life-goal for me.

            I was at the movie theatre, and they had a big poster with all the Muppets on it, and there in the back, betwixt Rolf and Gonzo was none other than, dun dun duuuun! The Rock.  So yeah, I’m glad to see that he’s finally coming out of the muppet closet, so to speak.  I mean, I’m sure we all kind of suspected for a while.  Like all those times you’d see him out and about with Miss Piggy, and that time Beaker called in sick and he missed a wrestling match so that he could help Professor Honeydew out with one of his wacky experiments.  But still, I’m sure Muppets everywhere will be inspired to stop living the lie of secrecy.

            Why is it that when you’re at a restaurant and your group is taking a bit to figure out what they want and so you ask the waitress if you can have another minute, she always interprets this to mean, “Leave my table alone and never, ever come back, especially if we all start waving at you.”  Seriously, this happens all the time to me.  I’m guessing that waitresses, like Vandal Savage, immortal caveman supervillian extraordinaire, have a highly unusual sense of the passing of time.

            Also, did you ever wonder who would win between Vandal Savage and Captain Caveman?  I mean, they’re both cavemen, so I’m guessing that the universe would just implode or something, which would be kind of nice for a change.