So, earlier this week, I went to Pittsburgh and, after a cookout, a undisclosed quantity of cheap beer, and innumerable musings about the nature of broad axes, I sallied forth with a merry little band to go catch X-Men 3: An American Wolverine in Paris. What follows are my thoughts, in no particular order, about this latest cinematical experience, and for the love of all that’s good and decent, be forewarned that they’re chock full ‘o spoilers, such as the fact that as the rumors predicted, Snape kills Professor X. This said, read on only if ye be men of valor, because otherwise, I’m seriously about to ruin all the secrets. So there.
First, I think I speak for all good men and women of all the races and nations of the Earth, of generations past and present, and innumerable ages yet unborn, when I say that it has always been my deepest heart’s desire to see Kelsey Grammer brutally slaughter hundreds of people in an epic fight scene other than the one in the last episode of Frasier. It was totally worth the wait.
After Mystique lost her powers, she totally looked like Monica Lewinsky. And everybody else in the theatre said there wasn’t any social commentary in the movie.
I think that really, the one great failing of the movie was that it failed to add enough hilarious outtakes and crazy alternate endings. Like at the very end when Magneto is sitting in the park playing chess by himself because all the other old people don’t like him, it would be so totally awesome if like, Hitler just drove by and Nelson laughed him.
And speaking of Magneto in the park at the end, why didn’t he get, you know, arrested by the federal government for destroying half of
Ooh, or what if he was sitting at the chess table there at the end and all of a sudden Christopher Lee came up with all his funky white robes and his power staff that looks like his house and everything and was all like, “Hey dawg, heard you got pwned out there yesterday, ever thought about being a wizard for a change?”
Or maybe, for the classy subtle angle, if at the end they just showed a shot of him going into a pointy hat and magic shop before an ominous fadeout.
Also, the way they brought Professor X back at the end was totally lame, it would have been so much better if instead of being all lame about it, they’d pulled a Bob Newheart and at the end, after he died and everything, he wakes up in sickbay back on the Enterprise and Dr. Crusher is there looking all worried and stuff, and he’s all like, “You will not believe the dream I just had, Beverly. It was even weirder than that time I lived an entire life in half an hour while learning to play the flute in a 3,000 year old weather satellite.”
As much as I appreciate the importance of the psychological advantage in battle, can’t really see how throwing flaming cars at people is really that much better than just throwing regular cars at them. I mean, unless all the cars he’s using are right from Smallville, it’s not like they’re going to blow up all that much more just because of the fire.
And why did they have to start off the movie with Wolverine decapitating the Iron Giant? All he wanted to do was come to Earth and stop war!
Finally, if after seeing this movie you get all worried about Gandalf setting your car on fire and throwing it at Kelsey Grammer, just go ahead and buy a Saturn, because they’re not made out of metal, just packing foam, communism, and the souls of the damned.
