As most of you will doubtless have already gleaned (glent?) from recent newspapers, Jedi holocrons, and Family Dollar advertising circulars, Germany has finally gotten around to putting a historical highway marker up over where Hitler’s Secret Bunker of Doom is. This is, of course, an intensely controversial thing to do, since every time you even mention Hitler in Germany all the Neo Nazis go crazier than old people at Ukrop’s on double coupon day. Because, you know, there’s probably all sorts of secret Nazi science and stuff still down there, like say, all the ancient artifacts that Indiana Jones didn’t manage to save from them, like the Credenza of Longinus, or Moses’ Catcher’s Mitt. Or maybe it’s just the secret lost flavors of Fanta that Hitler was planning on unleashing after he won the war, like Mango Blitzkreig, Fuhrerberry, and Von Ribbenpop. But I digress.
The real question here, I think is whether Germany is going to go all the way in turning this into a historical site or just wuss out and go with a sign and one of those machines that squashes pennies into little Hitler-related souvenirs. Now personally, as an historical interpreter myself, I think the best way to do it would be to have a living history museum where professional historical dudes could reenact what life was like back when Hitler was around. So at one station you could have like, Hitler in hobbit pants running an old-timey flour mill, and another one of him in a hoopskirt and corset trading with the German Indians for corn (which the Indians called “maize”). And then maybe a ways off there’d a like, a little diorama of Hitler building a palisade with traditional tools, while on the other side of the park they’d have like, a traditional Hitler pewter shop where old Adolf himself would be casting little things like tiny collectible spoons and lead-free musket balls.
But let us assume for the moment that even in Germany, where the squirrels are red and Helga is still an okay name for an ubermodel, chronic funding issues exist for historical sites. In this case, they would have but one recourse; that last resort of historical places and minimum security prisons: talking barrels. Like, you’d show up there with your family and you’d walk a ways down the Historic Hitler Heritage Trail, and there’d be a sign and a barrel with a button on it. So you’d let little Wilhelm punch it and then the magic would begin. (Note: Never in the history of teacupmammoths have I so regretted not being able to offer the site in an audible format as I am concerning the next paragraph. Sadly, I was unable to find any text to speech programs that really convey the flavor I'm going for here, so unless you're content to have this be Stephen Hawking as Hitler, which would be pretty funny in its own right, just steer clear of the AT&T R&D page altogether )
“Allo, I am Adolf Hitler, it was on this very site on May 17th 1942 that I lost the Battle of Hastings. You see, I had been out late the night before mit some auf mine homies at der luftwaffle haus, and vas still verrückt im mein kartoffel. So ja, anyways, it turned out that I had managed to show up not only in the wrong war, but also in the wrong century, all of which you can learn by looking at the Bayeux Tapestry, which incidentally is available in der giften shoppen. Now please continue along ze trail to the scenic uberlook, where I shall speak to you from the next of these most uncomfortable barrels.”
Yeah, that’d be pretty sweet, especially if they had a Sno-Cone stand there, because if Hitler had one weakness, it was his all-consuming passion for Sno-Cones. Well, that and his weakness against bullets and being set on fire, but just you try to set up a bullets and getting set on fire stand at a family tourist attraction and see how many takers you get.
Anyway, assuming Germany learns a few lessons from how we do history here in the states, they ought to be okay with this whole thing. Also, as an added bonus, I was looking through my art folder the other day and I discovered that at one point I did, for no reason that immediately presents itself, a picture of Hitler as an ent. Please accept it with my compliments.
