This happens to be one of the more exciting times in colonial Virginia history (which, as all right-thinking people know, is way better than what passes for colonial history up in New England), primarily because the quadracentenial of Jamestown’s 1607 founding is fast approaching (or Stardate -715634.4351851852 for all of you tourists from the future), I thought it might be a good time to deal with a few of the myths, misunderstandings, and historical narfage concerning the most famousest of Indians, Pocahontas. So gird about thy loins with The Girdle of Learning Some History, because it’s time to set the record straight.
Myth: Pocahontas was a princess.
Fact: Actually, she wasn’t. You see, the Powhatan Indians were what we call a matrilineal society, in which royalty was chosen not by the line of descent from the king, but rather by a series of grueling yet hilarious reality shows in which those who wished to be the next chief would have to live in a house with all sorts of washed up celebrities from the 1580’s, such as Francis Drake, captain of the humorously named ship, The Golden Hind, William Shakespeare, who was still at this point completely ignorant that future generations would decide that he was either gay, black, or a posthumous committee, and Vanilla Ice, who lead the English navy to victory against the Spanish Armada. As a result, Pocahontas was not in the running at all to take command of the nation; rather the next in line was Junior Assistant Sub-Chief, Gary Coleman.
Myth: Pocahontas and John Smith were, as the bard himself once said, “getting’ it on.”
Fact: At the time of the first English settlement, John Smith was in his mid to late 20s. Pocahontas was about 10, and spent her days running around the village naked singing the theme from the Powerpuff Girls, as all the children of the Powhatans were wont to do. This was not, his writings tell us, really something that John Smith was into, and as such they mostly just messaged each ther on Myspace a lot. True, the name “Pocahontas” means “little naughty one” in Algonquian, but hey, what’s in a name after all?
Myth: Pocahontas spent all her time jumping off of the majestic waterfalls of the
Fact: By the time the Powhatan Indians arrived on the scene, there were no more majestic waterfalls left on the James, all of them having been hunted to extinction thousands of years before during the end of the last ice age. As for the talking raccoons, the Powhatans had no use for raccoons, talking or otherwise, except in the form of the raccoon hot pocket, the raccoon hat, and the occasionally role of a tetherball. The English, as we now know from recent archaeological evidence, did in fact keep, tame and look after raccoons briefly, but when they turned out to be incapable of human speech or wacky hijinks, they were eaten. Take that, Miko.
Myth: Pocahontas looked totally weird, as evinced by that portrait of her they’re always showing.
Fact: Actually, that’s simply the only picture of her taken during her life, and it happens that she had the bad fortune to have had it taken at the London DMV.
Myth: When the Indians and the English got angry at each other, they’d all march purposefully off to war, taking the most circuitous and scenic route possible, like Billy from Family Circus, while singing a dramatic two-part battle duet about how much they disliked eachother.
Fact: In truth, while the English were very fond of marching places, they were epically white, and as such lacked the rhythm necessary for such large-scale impromptu musical performances. As for the Powhatans, they were really more of a moseying people, and while they did their best to engage the English in song, it just came off really awkward and they just decided to fight it out with a bit of cheery whistling and a couple of drum solos.
Myth: If you’re ever at a historical site in
Fact: Actually, it is a great idea to do this. Assuming that you also happen to think that it would be fun to have your kidneys removed through your ears with a dull oyster shell. Otherwise, you may wish to back off and not be such a ‘tard.
So there you have it; everything you always thought you knew about Pocahontas but in horrible reality, did not. Well, I think we’ve all learnt something very important here today, so class gets out early for the day. For extra credit, be sure to bring me a buffalo or one of those delicious talking raccoons to class tomorrow.
