If I’m ever President, Oregon shall rue the day they decided to put a lake on their quarter.  It would have been so totally awesome had they instead put a picture of a Conestoga wagon and the inscription: “One of Your Oxen has Died” That would be unspeakably sweet.  Or, barring that, “Timmy has dysentery.”  Way to go, Oregon, land of broken dreams that you are.

            You’ve probably heard of the KGB, the Soviet Union’s spy agency.  What you perhaps didn’t know is that the initials KGB actually stand for “Kremlin Ghost Busters.”  It turns out that Lenin was actually terrified of Slimer and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man and organized a special security force to keep them out of his hair, so to speak.  Then later, after Stalin took over, he decided the name and the proton packs were just too cool to get rid of so he put them all on spy duty.  And now you know the rest of the story.

            I want to replace my van’s license plate with one that just has a barcode on it.  That way everybody will think I’m from the future and be impressed by my self-adjusting sneakers and uber-leet hoverboard skills. 

            There’s an entire website out there devoted to pictures of cats that resemble Hitler.  Whenever life has you down and you fear there’s no goon left in the world, remember that, and smile inwardly with fiendish glee.

            I saw a package of Huggies in the store, and the box said “Now Baby-Shaped!”  I’m confused here, weren’t Huggies baby-shaped all along?  I mean, if they weren’t, then what the hell were they shaped like?  To my knowledge there is but one legitimate purpose for Huggies and it involves putting them on babies, and yet apparently Huggies Ltd. International only just realized that their intended market was babies, rather than say, gila monsters or chia pets.  I’m just glad that diapers are the only thing they make.  Oh look honey, “New, hand-shaped gloves!”

            They say there’s no wrong way to eat a Resse’s, but I’m pretty sure that if you were creative enough, and/or Hitler, you could probably find one.

            For instance, one totally wrong way might be to put in into your ear.  Because even if you’re the kind of sicko who enjoys that, you have still failed to eat it.  Perhaps Resse’s, you ought to change your slogan to, “We’re not going to judge you for eating candy like a freak.”

You know how Apple started out by putting a trash can on their desktop, so that you could, you know, trash your unwanted files.  Then Windows decided to get in on the act and do them one better by having an environmentally-friendly recycling bin, so you could recycle your hard drive space.  Not I though; I want an OS with something like say, a Municipal Filth Incinerator, so that instead of merely deleting my files, I can take them out and burn them, spewing an acrid cloud of noxious smoke into the pristine bandwidth of the Internet, poisoning the forests of the web and clubbing the baby seals of cyberspace.  Grrrr, I’m evil!

            Whenever people are talking about how bad our society is, they always mention how the Indians used every part of the buffalo, while we only use the tasty bits and the parts containing weapons-grade fissile Buffalonium (atomic weight 247).  What they never mention though is that as bad as we are, we’re still waaaaay better than zombies, because all they do is eat the brain and throw the rest away.  Yeah, take that zombies, you really suck at preserving nature’s splendor for future generations!  Which is of course why I’m not even going to think about buying a hybrid until Al Gore manages to reign in all the zombies, which to my knowledge, he is not presently doing.

            Where are all the agnostic mantises?  I’ve never seen one.