I wanted to get a job at the Amish stuff emporium, but when I went by to apply, they said that they only took applications online.  The Amish have so totally sold out ever since Harrison Ford made them cool.

            If you happen to be one of those mildly deific immortal forces of evil about whom the prophecy states that no man shall slay you, you probably ought to look out, because not only are there are lot more women out smiting mildly deific immortal forces of evil, but you’re also leaving yourself open to say, Mr. Peanut.  And he don’t take no prisoners.

            Why is it that when you go to a moderately nice restaurant, they always leave to top of your straw wrapper on?  Is there really that much asbestos and fly ash floating around the kitchen at Applebee’s?  Or are they just trying to make it easier for you to use it as a tiny projectile against your sister?  What’s the right thing to say when the waitress does this anyway?  Whoa, thanks for leaving that on!  Last time I came here I got fiery lava of doom in my Dr. Pepper and had to send it back; you’re definitely getting 15%!

            I saw a sign whilst I was out driving that said, “Our name has changed, but our quality is as high as ever!  Shepherd University” The problem was that they neglected to mention what their old name was, so I was left wondering whether Harvard had just run into copyright issues with Manny Harvard’s Muffler Repair, or if this was just another case of Ye Olde Online Universitie trying to gussy itself up.  Also, this sign happened to be on the back of a Pepsi truck in the middle of West Virginia, so it failed to impress me on a number of accounts concerning its rigorous academic badassitude.

            I want to start a beverage company, and sell a drink called, “Shut Up Juice”  and when people I know get all worked up about stuff, I can be all like, “Hey, why don’t you just sit down and have a nice cold glass of Shut Up Juice?”  And they’ll get all angry and stuff, but then I’ll explain that it’s made from only the finest Shut Up Berries that grow high in the mountains of Venezuela, hand picked and sorted by only the most studious of agriculturally-inclined flying monkeys and that it contains an entire day’s allotment of Vitamin C and many totally funky amino acids.  Then they’ll be all sorry and ask for another glass, and I shall become wealthy indeed.

            I think people are taking this whole Mel Gibson vs. the Jews thing way too seriously.  How do I know this?  Because I happen to play Warcraft with Mel of a regular basis, and he happens to be a total master of what my cyber-homies refer to as “leet-speak”  So, instead of saying “Jews totally suck” he was in fact saying “J00 totally suck”, which, while far from a decent thing to say to an officer of the law, merely marks his status as an u3eR 1337 HaXXoR.

            Seattle has got to be the biggest rip-off ever.  I flew all the way out there in my sweet, sweet, hovermobile/truckasuarus just to see the Space Needle, and it was not even remotely in space.  Did you think I wouldn’t notice your pathetic attempts at trickery, Seattle?  Or are you merely so consumed with your own evil that you no longer care about naming things accurately?  Either way, rest assured that soon all the world shall know of your treachery, just as they learned after I spread the horrible truth about the Air and Space Museum actually being full of stuff.

            If you met Elmer Fudd in a pith helmet and carrying a high-powered rifle, and he told you that he’s just spent the day hunting winos, you would never know if he had just come back form a safari or if he was just embarking upon a murderous rampage against alcoholics.