Okay, I’ll be the first to admit, I never thought that when Benedict XVI took over as Pope, that he’d ever be able to live up to the awesome-hatwearing, Commie-fighting, Popemobile-road-tripping popery of old JP2.  Clearly I was wrong.  For those of you who have decided to get all your news regarding the Western world from teacupmammoths (in which case I pity you, since I’ve been on an angst-related sabbatical for like, several fortnights now), The Pope managed to stir up some major controversy earlier this week after he declared that Islam’s contributions in the field of theologically-inspired headwear, though undertaken with the greatest of gusto, “dorkaliciously retardulous.”  In the days that followed, of course, outrage rocked the Middle East as everybody demanded the Pope apologize and allow himself to be summarily executed, but feisty old pontiff that he is, B16 decided to stand his ground since, technically speaking, “Dorkaliciously Retardulous” would be a totally awesome album title or political party.

            Which brings us to the real question here: Why is everyone so mad at the man who made Santa hats acceptable formal wear again?  The answer, as always, had a lot to do with pirates.  This past Tuesday, as all of you surely know, is that most beloved of Roman Catholic holidays, Talk Like a Pirate Day, and while all of us here in the Great Satan and many of the attendant Lesser Satans (I’m looking at you, New Zealand) are busy buckling our swashes and battening down our yardarms, many in the middle east take great umbrage at this annual reminder that when it comes to talking like pirates, Western Civilization totally freaking rules.

            What made this year different though was the fact that apparently some new intelligence surfaced that the Pope, venerable old gent that he is today, had a somewhat more interesting youth than we have been lead to believe.  I refer you here to a picture of B16 in his younger days which has recently been making the rounds amongst the mosques.  And I offer it with the promise that really, honestly, I swear upon the grave of Don Knotts, I am not making this up:

            Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Pope was once a Jewish Gangsta Frankenstein Pirate.  Now, here in America, we may have no great problem with this, our nation having built by great and courageous people of all religions and degrees of Gangstatudinousness.  In Palestine and Iran, however, history is not nearly so amenable to peace.  For you see, the Pope is not the first Jewish Gangsta Frankenstein Pirate to “Keep it Real” as they say in the Vatican.  Albert Einstein himself, famed Jewish Gangsta Nuclear Physicist Pirate and White Guy Afro Pioneer is much reviled in certain circles of the Orient.  And who can forget that according that according to popular tradition Emperor Constantine was fond of a bit of pillaging, looting, and “getting jiggy with it” himself.  To make matters worse, no lesser authority that the Torah itself recalls that Moses, emancipator of the Hebrew people was wont to:

 “rise up early in the morning, wearing upon his brow an eyepatch of the choicest chalcedony, gird about his waist his mighty glock, which was an abomination unto the Philistines, and bust three score and seven caps in the shiesty domes of they who endeavored to steal the flava of the Lord”

Indeed, recent research into the early Christian church suggests that eleven of the original twelve Apostles were practitioners of the Jewish Gangsta Frankenstein Pirate lifestyle.

And so the debate rages on; how does one bridge such a vast cultural gap?  What is the best way to reach out to such an utterly alien way of life and find some piece of common ground?  What does put the ape in apricot?  I don’t know; but if I know the Pope, his answer is sure to involve kicking it old skool, and more than a little bit of keelhauling.  Peace out, Popeslice.