So, Al Gore has won a Nobel Peace Prize, as you have most likely heard by now (assuming you’re not still angry because Canadian dollars are worth more than ours now), and the question on the I minds of all good people who only read headlines and then remain blissfully ignorant about everything else is what exactly Al Gore won the Nobel Prize for, anyhow? Sure, he doesn’t like global warming, but then most other people don’t either (except for Dick Cheney, who rides to work every day on his mighty pet Lava Monster, Buttons) and all of them have cut down waaaaaaaaaaay fewer trees to publish their books that Al Gore has. So what then, if not for his work in the vital field of saving polar bears (without which Coke would have to get a new mascot, such as the water buffalo, the stoat, or the great wild and wooly late President William Howard Taft)? It is with this in mind that I here present a list of other things that Al Gore has done to help humanity over the years.
First, he invented the Internet. Yeah, you don’t hear much about that one anymore, but it’s all true. You see, back in the 60s, Al Gore used to hang out in his secret lair built deep beneath a rain forest full of super-intelligent lemurs and lament that his mighty UNIVAC computer, for all its vacuum tubes and totally sweet lights on it, was incapable of bringing up his myspace page and sharing it with the cute little multicultural children of the world (and it was totally sweet, he had like, a list of all his favorite emo bands, and which cheerleaders at Municipal Rainforest High School he was totally crushing on, and a cute video of a cat falling off of a television). So, one night, Al Gore, blissfully unaware that his name could be rearranged to spell “Ear Log” built the first internet out of environmentally friendly pandas and 60% post consumer recycled beer cans. Alas, the next morning as he stood out on his front porch admiring his mighty new invention, a blue-butted baboon descended from the trees, distracted Al Gore for one crucial second with his butt of many colors, and stole the prototype Internet, which he later sold to Bill Gates for beer money. Which is why to this day, Al Gore does not all baboons at his speeches and Betty Crocker cook-offs.
Then in the 70s, Al Gore was one of the Superfriends for a while. Like, one time, Solomon Grundy was totally trashing this village full of grass huts and stuff in like, India or something, and Apache Chief was supposed to go over and do that thing where he got all huge and chase him off, but unfortunately, Apache Chief was, at the moment locked in the bathroom crying softly to himself because Hawk-Girl said he looked like a total doofus. So Al Gore quickly leapt into his resplendent chariot made of rainbows, pulled as it was by a jillion and three butterflies of all sorts of lovely colors and hummed his personal theme song in a quiet, serious sort of a way as he flew to India, where, using a tactic he learned from his old nemesis, That Baboon In The Previous Paragraph, he used his blue butt to frighten Solomon Grundy away. And then an elephant absent-mindedly ate his chariot of rainbows, which totally killed the moment. For a second there though, before that last part, it was pretty sweet.
Then there was the one time where, as Al Gore had long predicted, so many Americans bought SUVs that a rift into that mirror universe where everyone is evil opened up, and before Al Gore could destroy it by throwing a Prius into it, Evil Alternate Universe Al Gore came through, with a goatee and a twirly villain mustache and all came through, and immediately set about messing up all of Al Gore’s good work saving the world by building a giant mechanical spider that ran on non-renewable fuels. Fortunately, Al Gore knew that at our current rate of oil consumption, we’ll probably run out of oil in the next 80 years, so he just sat back to wait until that happened and meanwhile let Evil Twirly Mustache Al Gore and his mechanical spider go and utterly destroy Wyoming, which they did.
