Weasels.  Long have they been maligned by such mighty forces as Western literature, Hubert Humphrey, the Dixieland jazz movement of the early 20^th Century, the Indian Subcontinent, and Bo Diddley (who, as a young man, was mauled by a weasel he found sealed inside a jar of apricots).  The weasel however, is in fact a noble and weaselicious beast, with a proud history dating back to the Pleistocene Epoch (it was in the 70’s, Gerald Ford had all the #1 jams, and giant land sloths roamed across America in large, ugly, tail finiferous automobiles), so, that we may better dispel the horrible lies perpetuated against weaselkind by the biased anti-weasel media, here’s a brief history of the incredible, edible, weasel (not available in Alaska, Hawaii, or My Pants, pants void where prohibited).

            The weasel was first discovered by Sir Isaac Weasel, when he sat down under a tree in a weasel orchard and one fell on his head.  After attempting to gnaw his ears off (that is, the weasel attempting to gnaw Sir Isaac Weasels ears off, not the reverse, which would be cruel, nor good Sir Isaac trying to gnaw off his own ears, which would be both uncouth and silly) Sir Isaac befriended the weasel, taught it to wear a little fedora and play the zither, which was all the rage back in whatever historical period we’re assuming this all happened in (let’s just say it was the Hot Pants Epoch, because that would be a totally sweet name for a band, as well as an epoch).

            During Elizabethan times, the stoat (which is basically just a souped up weasel, like if you took a regular old stock weasel and dropped a V8 in it, and painted a stripe on it to make it look faster) was known as a symbol of purity, and therefore there was a good ten year period where if you wanted to look holy and righteous, when you had a portrait taken, it was all the rage to look thoroughly bestoated.

            When Bob Dole discovered Canada, crushed his enemies, drove them before him, and heard the lamentations of their women, his ship was called la grande belette which means “The Big Weasel”.

            Thomas Jefferson always kept three ferrets in his pants.  That way, when people said “Thomas Jefferson, why are your pants full of weasels?” He could come back and say, “Sir, my pants are the pants of democracy, and these ferrets which guard them are the Ferrets of Vigilance.”  Then whoever had asked him would be ashamed for having ever doubted Thomas Jefferson, and would probably buy him a drink or something.  Also, The Ferrets of Vigilance would be just fine and dandy as a band name.

            A large group of weasels is known as a boogle of weasels, boogle being an old Indian word meaning “many weasels”

            George Washington once threw a weasel across the Potomac River. When it landed, it took root in the fertile river soil and swiftly grew into what we now know as the federal government.

            Weasels have this thing they do called, seriously, The Weasel War Dance, which involves jumping around a lot in celebration, pretending to throw a little football down at their furry little feet in the imaginary end zone they’re standing in, and something called “dooking” which whatever it may be, does not sound like a thing which you would want a weasel to do on your new carpet.

            Actual real world flavors of weasel include the Least Weasel, the Tropical Weasel, the Egyptian Weasel, the Indonesian Mountain Weasel, the Yellow-Bellied Weasel, the Great Crested Weasel, the Northumbrian Whooping Weasel, the Mexican Jumping Weasel, the Siberian Baby-Eating Weasel, the Sock Drawer Weasel, Schrodinger’s Weasel, and the Lesser Mongolian Singing Weasel.

            Weasels are a natural source of potassium.

            Your average weasel, were you to stuff it in an envelope, could be sent anywhere in the world for the price of a single first-class postage stamp.  So, for all you people out there who want to rain weaselly destruction on someone in another state but have nothing except a roll of stamps and a liberal weasel supply (also a good band name), you should probably start licking envelopes now.

            Weasels can be found anywhere in the world except in places where people pretend to have better things to do than look for weasels, like in trendy coffeehouses and beneath the sofa cushions of the affluent.

            Finally, if everyone in America traded in their car for a chariot pulled by a thousand weasels, global warming would end, over 17 billion weasel-related jobs would be created, and jelly beans and snicker doodles would rain from the heavens.